My fear
fear to be abondoned,
fear not having enough closeness - > like a child , not as a man/girl relation?
How to position the correct fear that match with current stage of relationship?
fear cause action ( temper, hurtful act) -> pain
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Fear and Closeness - May 22
According to Dr. Wong 黃維仁, a marriage counselor/researcher, what makes couples who don't feel in love, and rather like friends, is because they have lost the feeling of ‘closeness’. They might be in love, but they do not feel like in love.
He points out that there are some criteria relating to that.
1.) First it is about sex, which is not applicable to me and her.
2.) Second is about the degree of ‘self-protection’, whether they are feeling safe/ comfortable /passionate to, versus fear/reluctant/ afraid to be hurt and rejected, to open themselves and sharing personal stuff.
Here it makes sense. At the beginning when I first met her, we both feel safe. As for me, I actually feel she is so accepting me and was the most comfortable/peaceful girl I have ever met to talk with. My sense of safety and passion can be felt by her, and she is also willing to be open. She did say explicitly at that time: “ I feel we are so closed…”
But when the fear elements came, namely her girl’s fear to be closed too quickly, and my fear for being abandoned/neglected/rejected, start building up walls between us. In fact, not just her, I also feel the fear to be hurt, that create the distrust that acts us a barrier for us to open up true self and sharing.
As for me, because I am trying to act like a man and to be the ‘active’ one, I push myself to act beyond I feel comfortable with. However my fear sometimes backfires upon, because my own ‘fear’ elements haven't actually solved. Sometimes I also hide myself both to her and to my conscious mind. Sometimes I react upon her for something I ‘feel’ she is not good to me…
As for her, she is a gentle and passive girl, afraid to be hurt. The most sensible acts a girl would do is to close up her heart and stay with a distance. My frequent trying to ‘break through’ without dealing with the her fear would just pushing her further. In some occasion, some of my act might motivate her to try to open up more again, but when my fear and hence my hurtful act came again, she got hurt and afraid even more, and close up even more.
As a result, she would feel she can, and hence the nature of relationship, can only stay on a friend’s level, coz we could not actually naturally and comfortably safe to open our true self to each other. No matter how hard I try, and no matter how much chance she is willing to give, It wont work unless we deal right to the core issue, the fear itself.
Example includes:
a.) In December, I wrote a long email explaining to her my analysis and findings for our relationship, and the ways I could see on how to improve. She replied briefly that she agreed on some points I said, but not replied to all that I have said, in particular, the ways I can see on building up our relationship. She didn't say yes or no, meaning either she is not yet ready to address on that, or she needed to think. But I felt ‘rejected’ as she didn't reply fully, and so feeling insecure and keep sending 3 emails to ask her to follow up. That is my fear problem. Obviously that would make her feeling uncomfortable/fear to share. She ‘rejects’ after my ‘reaction’, not ‘before’.
b.) The next day she replied an email, saying she is so frustrated, and said angry words telling me not to force her with a lot of “!!!”. She also mentioned that she has been crying so much as her dog was really sick. At that point, I couldn't understand why she called me forcing her, so I just felt she was so unreasonable, and so harsh on rejecting the effort I have made. And I kept sending emails pushing her to ‘explain’ her behavior. As we can see now, that would make her feeling more fear and building up more walls. When I couldn't see her reply, I felt even more insecure and rejected, and I start ‘fighting’ her, calling her names, accusing her, saying she is so unreasonable, immature, calling her to wake up, calling her only care the men who abandoned her, calling her only care dog and not care me etc…. and the result on her is obviously negative.
But in fact, even at such circumstances, she did tell me a bit of her personal info. She has cried so much coz of her dog! But I didn't see it and accept it. On the contrary, she called her friend ( which is her ex now), tell her how sad she was and cried to him for an hour. You see, she feel safe to open her self and emotion to him because she ‘knows’ he would accept her, but I didn't do anything to show her that.
That is why no matter how romantic I have done, how persistent and effort I have made, how much I say I will improve, I couldn't make her to be closed than more as a friend. Because the problem is not we are lack of the stimulation of romantic ingredients, but because we haven’t targeted the core issue, fear. In order to break the wall, fear must be dealt with first.
She did wrote on the blog, saying true love wont be just temporary romantic remarks, wont have so much ‘backstage’ and intention. True love is simple, caring, connecting, pure.
I can see that without security and mutual trust, we can only have the first one, but not the second one.
3.) Third is about sharing good moments together.
Haven’t got much into details about that. Basically it is about the need to share a good time together. To be together, have a feeling of sharing the moments as one.
That is how I see how ridiculous I was. She did actively invited me to do what she told me repeatedly she like to do with her BF – staying quietly, enjoying the moments in a cafe shop. She did explicitly and repeatedly tell me the “BF” stuff, that is very personal and sensitive, considering I have told her I love her and asked her to be my gf. If she didn't give me chance, she wont say that. But what did I do? I told her I don't like sitting there for whole day woh~ She told me she didnt want to, but I keep asking her to go outside to take a walk with me woh ~ and there was even a small fight and uneasy time for the whole afternoon coz I let her know that I feel she is uncaring to me feeling.
I had such reaction and feeling because I instantly think she is uncaring, and so I don't ‘enjoy’ the moments. She wanted to enjoy that with me, but I didn't enjoy it and even make it uncomfortable time. I wont say it is all my ‘fault’. I did have my part, butshe could also be more open to my concern and talked to me at that time. But instead she just kept silent then, that made me angry. But at the end she gave me chance, and I (we) screwed it up.
The cause of this is part 2., we haven’t built up a foundation safely open ourselves, and trusting each other to open theirs. So we cant do part 3.
----------------------------------------------------
For all the above, how can I tell a girl not to give up on me? She is a passive girl to be treasured and loved.
I wish so much to tell her about all these…
Instead of just asking her to give me chance, how much I love her, how I think we can try to be together, I have to deal with the fear elements directly.
I guess the thing is..I have my part to this, she also.
The thing I should do is not to take all the responsibility and blame to myself, or JUST to list out to her about all those causes from both sides.
The thing I should do is, as a man, target my own fear, and to understand her feeling. let her feel safe, and to motivate her.
Let her feel safe again.
I don't want to lose such a loving girl.
From her part she did give me so much chances, although I couldn't see them then.
I do whatever I can do to rebuild it.
And I must have faith.
He points out that there are some criteria relating to that.
1.) First it is about sex, which is not applicable to me and her.
2.) Second is about the degree of ‘self-protection’, whether they are feeling safe/ comfortable /passionate to, versus fear/reluctant/ afraid to be hurt and rejected, to open themselves and sharing personal stuff.
Here it makes sense. At the beginning when I first met her, we both feel safe. As for me, I actually feel she is so accepting me and was the most comfortable/peaceful girl I have ever met to talk with. My sense of safety and passion can be felt by her, and she is also willing to be open. She did say explicitly at that time: “ I feel we are so closed…”
But when the fear elements came, namely her girl’s fear to be closed too quickly, and my fear for being abandoned/neglected/rejected, start building up walls between us. In fact, not just her, I also feel the fear to be hurt, that create the distrust that acts us a barrier for us to open up true self and sharing.
As for me, because I am trying to act like a man and to be the ‘active’ one, I push myself to act beyond I feel comfortable with. However my fear sometimes backfires upon, because my own ‘fear’ elements haven't actually solved. Sometimes I also hide myself both to her and to my conscious mind. Sometimes I react upon her for something I ‘feel’ she is not good to me…
As for her, she is a gentle and passive girl, afraid to be hurt. The most sensible acts a girl would do is to close up her heart and stay with a distance. My frequent trying to ‘break through’ without dealing with the her fear would just pushing her further. In some occasion, some of my act might motivate her to try to open up more again, but when my fear and hence my hurtful act came again, she got hurt and afraid even more, and close up even more.
As a result, she would feel she can, and hence the nature of relationship, can only stay on a friend’s level, coz we could not actually naturally and comfortably safe to open our true self to each other. No matter how hard I try, and no matter how much chance she is willing to give, It wont work unless we deal right to the core issue, the fear itself.
Example includes:
a.) In December, I wrote a long email explaining to her my analysis and findings for our relationship, and the ways I could see on how to improve. She replied briefly that she agreed on some points I said, but not replied to all that I have said, in particular, the ways I can see on building up our relationship. She didn't say yes or no, meaning either she is not yet ready to address on that, or she needed to think. But I felt ‘rejected’ as she didn't reply fully, and so feeling insecure and keep sending 3 emails to ask her to follow up. That is my fear problem. Obviously that would make her feeling uncomfortable/fear to share. She ‘rejects’ after my ‘reaction’, not ‘before’.
b.) The next day she replied an email, saying she is so frustrated, and said angry words telling me not to force her with a lot of “!!!”. She also mentioned that she has been crying so much as her dog was really sick. At that point, I couldn't understand why she called me forcing her, so I just felt she was so unreasonable, and so harsh on rejecting the effort I have made. And I kept sending emails pushing her to ‘explain’ her behavior. As we can see now, that would make her feeling more fear and building up more walls. When I couldn't see her reply, I felt even more insecure and rejected, and I start ‘fighting’ her, calling her names, accusing her, saying she is so unreasonable, immature, calling her to wake up, calling her only care the men who abandoned her, calling her only care dog and not care me etc…. and the result on her is obviously negative.
But in fact, even at such circumstances, she did tell me a bit of her personal info. She has cried so much coz of her dog! But I didn't see it and accept it. On the contrary, she called her friend ( which is her ex now), tell her how sad she was and cried to him for an hour. You see, she feel safe to open her self and emotion to him because she ‘knows’ he would accept her, but I didn't do anything to show her that.
That is why no matter how romantic I have done, how persistent and effort I have made, how much I say I will improve, I couldn't make her to be closed than more as a friend. Because the problem is not we are lack of the stimulation of romantic ingredients, but because we haven’t targeted the core issue, fear. In order to break the wall, fear must be dealt with first.
She did wrote on the blog, saying true love wont be just temporary romantic remarks, wont have so much ‘backstage’ and intention. True love is simple, caring, connecting, pure.
I can see that without security and mutual trust, we can only have the first one, but not the second one.
3.) Third is about sharing good moments together.
Haven’t got much into details about that. Basically it is about the need to share a good time together. To be together, have a feeling of sharing the moments as one.
That is how I see how ridiculous I was. She did actively invited me to do what she told me repeatedly she like to do with her BF – staying quietly, enjoying the moments in a cafe shop. She did explicitly and repeatedly tell me the “BF” stuff, that is very personal and sensitive, considering I have told her I love her and asked her to be my gf. If she didn't give me chance, she wont say that. But what did I do? I told her I don't like sitting there for whole day woh~ She told me she didnt want to, but I keep asking her to go outside to take a walk with me woh ~ and there was even a small fight and uneasy time for the whole afternoon coz I let her know that I feel she is uncaring to me feeling.
I had such reaction and feeling because I instantly think she is uncaring, and so I don't ‘enjoy’ the moments. She wanted to enjoy that with me, but I didn't enjoy it and even make it uncomfortable time. I wont say it is all my ‘fault’. I did have my part, butshe could also be more open to my concern and talked to me at that time. But instead she just kept silent then, that made me angry. But at the end she gave me chance, and I (we) screwed it up.
The cause of this is part 2., we haven’t built up a foundation safely open ourselves, and trusting each other to open theirs. So we cant do part 3.
----------------------------------------------------
For all the above, how can I tell a girl not to give up on me? She is a passive girl to be treasured and loved.
I wish so much to tell her about all these…
Instead of just asking her to give me chance, how much I love her, how I think we can try to be together, I have to deal with the fear elements directly.
I guess the thing is..I have my part to this, she also.
The thing I should do is not to take all the responsibility and blame to myself, or JUST to list out to her about all those causes from both sides.
The thing I should do is, as a man, target my own fear, and to understand her feeling. let her feel safe, and to motivate her.
Let her feel safe again.
I don't want to lose such a loving girl.
From her part she did give me so much chances, although I couldn't see them then.
I do whatever I can do to rebuild it.
And I must have faith.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
